“One of the brightest gems in the New England weather is the dazzling uncertainty of it”. – Mark Twain
Like our famous New England weather, the vicissitudes of middle school feelings are constantly in flux. Both a “gem” and certainly “dazzling”, the middle school years are one of the most dynamic moments of growth in a human’s lifetime. Like our first three years of life, these adolescent years are a second period of what psychologist Laurence Steinberg calls “heightened malleability,” when the brain is “highly plastic.”
Simply put, adolescence is a time that brings a lot of ups and downs and exploration. Ask any parent who has been through these years with a child, and they might tell you the years were (like we say at Belmont Day) both “inspiring and challenging.”
One significant challenge of adolescent development is that it can be a time when kids grow more cautious and less willing to make mistakes. We know today that mistakes and failures are all necessary parts of the growth process, and it is crucial that we, as adults, rally around our middle schoolers to nurture the natural resilience that they all possess.
I was reminded while watching Friday Night Lights last week of the wisdom of Phyllis Fagell, a psychologist, school counselor, and author. In her book, Middle School Matters, she outlines tips for helping your middle school student have courage and resilience in the face of possible failure.
Tip 1: Identify why something feels risky
Before Friday Night Lights, some of our students were predicting the outcome and possible scores of the games they were about to play that night. There was indomitable hope and optimism, while at the same time grounding realism. Rather than brushing off students’ concerns or predictions, it was important for us to validate them and also remind them that the games were not a fait accompli, and that they had to continue to fight for every ball, even if they predicted not winning it every time.
Tip 2: Recognize that quitting can feel risky
While there were risks to the matches students were about to play at Friday Night Lights, there also would have been real risk and a lot of joy and skill building forfeited in never taking on the challenge to begin with. While our students were nervous in anticipating the matches, they also were full of pride and electric anticipation–the risk was worth it because they were passionate and united about their goal.
Tip 3: Start with small exposures
We can help middle school students build risk-taking and confidence muscles by starting with “starter risks”–engaging in a risk that has smaller stakes. While it may have felt like there was a lot resting on the results of the Friday Night Lights games, there was also great camaraderie on the teams and among their friends in the stands. Helping our middle schoolers to identify the difference between a “healthy risk” and an “unsafe risk” is critical, and in the case of Friday Night Lights, it was healthy to give it their all with their teammates by their sides, being cheered on by an adoring crowd.
While we didn’t win the matches at Friday Night Lights last week, our students practiced these vital skills during and after their games, and they are stronger, more confident, and resilient for it. By the time my Monday morning front door greeting duty rolled around this week, I could hear some students chatting about the critical moments in the games. At the same time, students were already over the losses. Fortunately, even if they were feeling disappointed or defeated at any point, like the “dazzling uncertainty” of New England weather, their minds and hearts had already shifted, and they were on to the next opportunity to try their hand at a new and different exciting challenge.
